No 6: Worst excuse for dinner being late

Sunday Tribune December 30

DEAR reader, You are cordially invited to 'Erindipity's Ultimate Christmas Dinner' on 30 December, 2007. We would have sent this sooner but the cat ate the postman and . . . we, er, this, kind of . . . got lost?
We apologise. That was the Third Worst Excuse for Dinner Being Late.
The Second Worst Excuse is that John Boyne took over the Review section last week and we were all given the weekend off, so that's why our Christmas dinner is late.
Please join us now for our festive miscellany, which uses only the most outstanding ingredients. (We've written about some of these before, but they're worth reheating. ) For starters, may we offer you a seafood salad containing the world's . . .

Most confused prawn

In February 2007 a giant Japanese Tiger Prawn was found in the nets of a west Cork fishing boat. The shellfish is normally found in the Pacific Ocean and its presence here prompted fears of an invasion, which so far hasn't materialised.
A spokesperson for the Department of the Marine said they believed the 'prawn star' (as the saucy Irish Times called it) is not right in the head and simply decided to go 'swimabout'.
"The prawn's crackers, " the official said. Actually, that's a really lousy joke so we'll have another go at it.
"The prawn's Christmas crackers, " the official said. Nope, that's even worse, so we'll move on to the soup course which features the . . .

Best soup for killing you

Sorry, but you'll have to wait until after dessert for this. This will make sense later, so let's speed along to Co Cavan for the turkey course which will be served in the . . .

Best place for Christmas dinner if you're in a hurry

Cootehill is the home of the exceptional Vincent Pilkington. On 17 November 1980, Vincent became the fastest turkey plucker on the planet when he stripped a 16lb bird in one minute and 30 seconds. Vincent became something of a superstar in Co Cavan after his feat was televised by RTE. Yes, well, apart from The Angelus and re-runs of Mannix, there wasn't much else on the telly back in the '80s.
Plucky Vincent officially defeathered his last turkey in Bailieboro in December 2005. At the time of his retirement he could still handle an average of 16 birds an hour, making him the Jack Nicholson of the poultry world. Speaking of hams, how about a portion of the . . .

Most well-informed pigs

On New Year's Day 2003 new EU directives were introduced to keep our pigs happy.
Pig boredom is a serious issue for farmers as they are intelligent creatures and need entertainment, or else they get aggressive and surly (that's the pigs we're talking about).
The rules named specific materials, including novelty items (footballs etc) to keep the porkers occupied. That February The Corkman newspaper revealed that a farm in Dromcummer had the happiest and most erudite pigs in Ireland. It said the Lehane family's pigs' contentment was down to. . . The Corkman. They loved nothing more than getting stuck into a copy of the periodical. It even published a picture of four pigs browsing the front page and, unbelievable as this may sound, they really did look like they were reading it.
Three of them did, at any rate, one of them may have been probing some poo.
The Corkman is such a hit with the pigs that their neighbours bring it up to the farm by the car load. The pigs, for their part, have ensured that there's nothing but crap in the papers these days.
Back to the menu. Would you like some spuds with your ham? How about the . . .

First spuds in Ireland

These were planted in Youghal by Sir Walter Raleigh in 1585. Youghal, by the way, is the only Irish place name with an American accent. This is because when Walter left America with his spuds and tobacco, the Indians said: "Youghal come back now, yuh heah?"
Actually that's not true. They were glad to see him go.
By the by the way, did you know that 'Munster Plums' are, in fact, potatoes?
No? Neither did we. We thought southern plums were something you got from sitting in the saddle too long.
Care for a helping from the . . .

Biggest plate of veggies

In April of this year Harry Crowley from Walkinstown grew a recordbreaking carrot which was an astonishing three feet long. (Insert Carry On-style gag here, please. ) His parsnips are monsters too, with one reaching a length of 10ft 7ins.
Harry will also be remembered for setting the least-attempted of all gardening records . . . growing the Longest Horseradish in the World. It measured 10ft 4ins . . . enough to make a bucket of sauce to go with your dins.
In 2005, 'A Man Called Horseradish' likened gardening to studying electricity. "It is colossal, and you have to know a lot of theory, " he said, omitting to mention that nobody has ever been electrocuted by a garden vegetable.
Now for a glass of wine from Ireland's . . .

Most northerly vineyard

You probably knew that Ireland has a couple of vineyards. You didn't? Well bad news . . . Global warming is here and WE'RE ALL DOOMED. Ireland is an official EU wine-producing country and the majority of our few vineyards are located in 'lush' Munster. Here's a few: the West Waterford vineyards, the Blackwater Valley and Longueville House vineyards and the Thomas Walk vineyard in Kinsale.
Our Most Northerly Vineyard is located in Swords, Co Dublin and is owned by horticulturist, David Llewellyn. It's named Fruit of the Vine and does a nice little pinot noir.
(See? The northside isn't all Buckfast and cider. ) Room for dessert? Have a slice of cake. It's not traditional Christmas cake, but it is the . . .

Biggest cake ever

The largest cake ever baked in Ireland weighed 190lbs and was made to celebrate Dublin's 1988 millennium at the Mansion House. Like other occupants of that gaff, it was nutty and fruity, but it wasn't half-baked (Royston Brady where are you? ) and was eventually thrown out in 1991.
If you don't want cake you might try some of the . . .

Largest amount of ice cream lost at sea

Which was the 1,750 quarts of French ice cream aboard the Titanic.
Unfortunately you'll need to supply your own wetsuit.
And finally we get to the soup course and the . . .

Worst excuse for dinner being late

Dubliner, Brigadier General John Nicholson (1822-1857), was an utter bastard. This was especially true in India, where he was renowned for his foul temper. Remarkably, he inspired a short-lived cult there, despite the fact that he couldn't stand his devotees and had some of them jailed and flogged.
Like we said: utter bastard.
During the 'Indian Mutiny' of 1857 he displayed a particularly ruthless way of dealing with truculent kitchen staff. Having been told that the native regimental chefs had poisoned the company's soup, Nicholson ordered that they be forced to sample it first.
When they refused, he force-fed it to a monkey which, promptly, croaked.
Later, the General marched into the mess tent and coughed to attract the officers' attention.
"I am sorry, gentlemen, to have kept you waiting for your dinner, " he said nonchalantly, "but I have been hanging your cooks."
It remains The Worst Excuse Ever for Dinner Being Late. (It's even worse than blaming John Boyne for hogging the Review section. ) And on that charming note, we would like to assure you that no turkeys, pigs, monkeys or chefs were harmed in the writing of this piece.
They, like the Erindipity family, wish you a peaceful new year.