If you put history aside, the Brits are just like our annoying cousins

Sunday Tribune, 18 January 2009

There it was, all grizzly and grinning, topped off with a Brillo pad and so craggy you could plant spuds in it. Miley Byrne's head was back in the papers last week, looking as fresh as if it had been preserved in a bog for the past eight years. Tourism Ireland had dug it up for the photocall to announce their new online marketing campaign.
I've missed Miley. He represented the core values of Old Ireland: farming, cups of tea, muck and rogering in hay barns. The only 'on-line' Miley knew was where Biddy put the washing.
He was there to add local colour to the search for 'quirky' Irish people to 'star' in 10 internet movies, to be made by Keo Films. They will talk about their favourite places and the films will showcase our true nature. You know: hospitable, friendly, all that crap.
Well Holy God, did Tourism Ireland get a lash when it was later revealed that Keo Films aren't Irish – they're from London.
This isn't the first time our tourist chiefs have been criticised for using foreigners. In 2007, a TV advert promoting whale-watching in Kerry was revealed to contain a large error – the whale apparently swimming off Ireland had been filmed in the southern hemisphere and digitally 'dropped' into the ad. Oops.
So now they've asked the British to shoot scenes of us in our native land. It could be worse. They might have asked the French. After Lisbon they just wanted to shoot us, full stop.
Picture the opening French advert:
'Scene: old house, west of Ireland. Frenchman with floppy hair sits down as Irish colleen slices a lump of Kerrygold to butter her spuds.
"Uhhhh … could you … to me … [shrugs Gallicly] … pass ze Kerreeegold?"
She glares balefully and shouts, through a mouthful of spuds, "No!"
"Mais, madame …" he stammers.
"No! No! NO! I've said 'No' once already. You can't force me to pass it!" she shrieks, wrapping herself in a tricolour. Camera closes in on butter… the word 'Lisbon' is carved on its surface. Frenchman shrugs [Gallicly] again. FIN.'
Or the Polish? The notice on the website: "Wanted: actors to play typical Irish people. No Irish need apply."
Or the Germans? Actually the Gerries did a couple of propaganda movies about the Irish during the war – 'Mein Leben fur Irland' and 'The Fox of Glenarvon'.
Possible ad could feature Willie O'Dea showing German Chancellor Angela Merkel around his favourite Limerick haunts before legging it and leaving her stranded in the middle of feud country. (They have history.)
No, on reflection, giving the job to the British was a good idea as they actually like us. For example, they gave Colin Farrell his break in Ballykissangel. They always vote for us in the Eurovision. They commissioned Father Ted (although that may have been compensation for allowing Foster and Allen perform in leprechaun suits on Top of The Pops).
And let's not forget that Ireland's been their favourite holiday destination for the past 800 years.
The films could feature Irish people showing the crew around their favourite places to shop: Tescos, Marks & Sparks, Topshop, Boots…
Their favourite sights, like the Dublin Spire – which was designed by an Englishman, Ian Ritchie. Or favourite pub where they watched Jack's boys in Italia '90. (Wasn't he English?)
They could even quote from Foras na Gaeilge's new Irish dictionary. Last year an East Sussex company won the contract to work on half of it.
So is outsourcing our Irishness to England such a bad thing, considering we've done it before? When you have 1,500 Irish film workers on the dole, of course it is. Tourism Ireland say they were hamstrung by strict tendering laws, but it just isn't morally right.
That said, if it had to go to anybody, I'd prefer it to be the Brits. We watch their TV, enjoy their sense of humour, dress like them. If you put history aside, they're just like annoying cousins, really.
Another problem with getting Keo Films to market us is that they might do too good a job. Then, just as the recession is bringing us back down to earth, we'll start believing our own press and get all smug again.
Ah, shure everybody loves the Irish, as Miley might say.