We're all so thick, we need the nanny state to tell us what to do

Sunday Tribune, January 4, 2009

Christmas is barely over and we are sluggishly bemoaning our imminent return to work.
Not the nation's do-gooders, though. They've been back at work for days, merrily kicking the nanny state out of its Yuletide slumber.
I'm referring to anti-smokers group Ash, which last week said it wanted a ban on smoking in cars carrying children under the age of 16.
This statement struck me on two counts – first, how stupid it is to drive around turning your children into kippers, and second, how stupid it is to try and ban this practice, given how hard it would be to police it.
How could a garda possibly guess the age of a teenager beetling along in the car beside their smoking parent? Some 12-year-olds look 16 while some 16-year-olds look 12. The gardaí would need superhuman eyesight. So should the rule – for the sake of practicality – be confined to those under the age of 10? But that's not fair on the 10-to-16 age group.
Then, can you imagine how infuriating it would be to get stopped by the guards every time you were driving your young-looking 17-year-old to the train while having a fag?
And what next? Would the gardaí be given special powers to raid the homes of suspected parental smokers? Would neighbours grass on each other? It would be enforced less rigorously than the fining of dog-walkers whose pets foul the footpath. I've never witnessed anyone being arrested by the Poo Police. Have you?
On the other hand maybe Ash is right. Maybe we need more nanny state rules. Maybe the majority of us are so thick we need to be constantly dictated to.
Been designated driver for the evening? Sorry, you can't take a bottle home with you as we're now closing off-licences at 10pm. It's for your own good.
Nightclubbing? New law – everybody out at 2am instead of the old staggered times. You'll thank us for it. (Try telling that to the chap kicking your head in during the riot at the taxi rank.)
No smoking indoors. No smoking outdoors either, not with that drink in your hand – it's against the law. (This Christmas a garda took the names of people drinking outside one of our village's pubs because it was too crowded inside).
Don't drink, don't smoke, don't park there, sit up straight, comb your hair, don't talk back: JUST DO WHAT WE TELL YOU.
On New Year's Eve, the chief executive of drinkaware.ie advised the nation to take care at drinks parties. She said home measures "can be considerably more generous than those in the pub". Duh, really? "The message is simple," she said. "Measure up; calculate how many standard drinks you're actually having, not how many glasses."
Phew, thanks for that. I'd never have known. Where's my calculator?
The Irish are a race of preternatural stupidity. That's why we need people like drinkaware.ie and Ash to tell us what to do.
Another story last week seemed to back this up. According to the gardaí, since September there have been a dozen incidents of idiots trying to dazzle pilots with high-powered laser pointers as they flew into Dublin airport.
The pilots' association has called for a clampdown on the use of these lasers. Ebay has already banned the sale of them. This ban makes sense as they are seldom used legitimately and are potentially highly dangerous. I say 'potentially' because it depends on who is using them.
And that's the point. We're not all idiots. The vast majority of us behave responsibly. The morons who laser-attack pilots or smoke with their kids in the car are the tiny minority. The rest of us are just lumped in with them and told to shut up and take our medicine.
Ash badly undermined its credibility when it came out with that rubbish last week. Not that we have to worry about any new laws being passed for weeks yet as our deputies don't return to work until the 27th of the month.
Come to think of it, considering the amount we allow that crowd away with, maybe we do deserve to live in a nanny state.

dkenny@tribune.ie

January 4, 2009