New Year's Predictions

Sunday Tribune 1 January, 2010


The best thing about 2009 is that it’s over. Unfortunately, in 2010 the government will invent new ways to squeeze even more money out of us. In addition to Nama, Brian Lenihan will set up Sofa (the Search Out extra Finance Agency).
This will deploy squads of taxmen to rummage down the back of the nation’s couches for spare coins. Apparently, there is still €370m-worth of pre-euro money hidden around the country. Start rummaging.
Iceland will continue to be a great source of relief to us as we say “could be worse. We could be Iceland”. We will continue to outperform Iceland financially. Iceland the supermarket chain, that is.
The financial institutions will announce the creation of new jobs… in India, by outsourcing. (Hibernian Aviva have already started that ball rolling.)
Sometime this year, the search party will return with news of George Lee. Has anybody seen him since he was elected last June? It might also find ‘ad hoc’ minister Mary Harney – it’s about time some party took her in. This year she will finally leave Biffo’s – and our medicine – cabinets.
Bertie Ahern will be elected honorary mayor of Newry. A year ago he told Newry Chamber of Commerce “the area deserves to be to the forefront of Ireland’s economic renaissances”. His book-signing there before Christmas, with the other southern shoppers, certainly played its part.
Visionary Joe Coleman will make further predictions. Last year, he forecast visions at Knock and pilgrims witnessed the “sun dancing in the sky”. This year I predict Our Lady appearing on ‘Dancing With The Stars’ on the telly.
Dermot Ahern’s Blasphemy Law will get its first test case. Possibly over the above gag. God will be called as witness for the defence. Get out of THAT one Ahern.
I predict another vision in the sky – that of John O’Donoghue taking a cheapo Ryanair flight.
Mary Coughlan will receive the Noble [sic] Prize for her thesis on Darwin’s Theory of Revolution and Frankenstein’s Theory of Relatives.
The Kimono will finally take off as Ivor Callely spots a gap in the rag trade. Beverly Flynn will have the upside-down coat hanger surgically removed from her smug gob.
Iran, continuing its brinksmanship, will play a practical joke and swap chairs with Ireland at the UN. Later, as the Yanks are nuking us, the Iranians will claim not to have had their “contact lenses in that day” and blame the alphabetical seating. ‘Iran, Iraq, Ireland’…
In showbusiness, Big Brother will end and I predict a headline in this paper that reads ‘Big Brother (no-one) is watching you’.
X Factor will return with Louis Walsh’s latest protégé: Jed Ward – a singing member of the Travelling community with a split personality.
In sport, Tiger Woods will restart on the Pro Tour. Not the golf one, the other kind of ‘pro’ tour.
As the monsoon season begins, Disney will buy County Galway and turn it into a water theme park called ‘Pirates of the Corrib’.
Ryanair will introduce ‘Pay-as-you-go’ airmiles. Run out of credit mid-flight? Off you goooooooooo….
Despite cutbacks at the station, TV3 will somehow find money to set up Ursula Halligan’s new office in the oncology unit of the Mater.
Finally, my top prediction for 2010 is … the end of the world. Later this month, in Switzerland, Cern’s Large Hadron Collider will be restarted. Critics say the Big Bang machine will create a black hole that will rip Earth apart. So forget the above predictions – we’re doomed.
The good news is that we’re all going down together. See you on the other side, folks.