Why Ireland is the (shopping) basket case of Europe

Sunday Tribune 29 November

"See that man over there, he's on strike." The crop-headed Dub pointed off-camera. We couldn't see the striker, but there was a dull 'thunk', which might have been a slab of beer hitting a car boot. Newry's The Quays Shopping Centre was full of southern reg plates – many of them belonging to striking public sector workers.
Another man asked the RTÉ reporter "sure, what else would you do on a day off?" It summed up the insanity of Tuesday's day of protest. Our public servants went on strike saying they're hard-up, got docked a day's pay… and legged it over the border to spend money they don't have on a Christmas they can't afford in a country that can't pay their wages.
Strike? This was trade unionism striking a blow for capitalism.
Not that anyone should be too shocked. This is just further proof that Ireland is Europe's Largest Open Air Lunatic Asylum. Tuesday's behaviour wasn't an aberration, it was just 'The Irish Way'. Country in crisis? Don't just pull a sickie: pull a sickie while… pulling a sickie.
This wasn't the only example of The Irish Way in action last Tuesday. Here's another five random ones, all from the same day.
1: The Irish Way is to let a tax evader hold you ransom in the Dáil. Brian Cowen was asked to reveal what voting deal Fianna Fáil has with disgraced TD Michael Lowry. Had plans to build a €460m Las Vegas-style casino on his Tipperary doorstep anything to do with keeping him sweet? No, swore Cowen. Honest.
The Irish Way is to do deals with cheats. It's also to build a massive casino during a recession. It's hard to say which is madder.
2: The Irish Way is to be quick to take offence. On Tuesday, Liveline buzzed with complaints about Tesco putting security tags on meat in less affluent areas of Dublin. It was disrespectful. Disgraceful. How is wanting to protect your goods in a time of rising petty crime 'disgraceful'? The real disgrace is that no one said how sad it is that people are now stealing food.
3: The Irish Way is to believe, like Whitney Houston, that "children are our future". President McAleese said she does in the Irish Times. Just think: that orange, American-accented teen, gawking at the telly, is going to be running the country some day. God. Help. Us.
A few pages away, a poll in the same newspaper revealed that 81% of 18- to 24-year-olds want to see the number of foreigners living here reduced. Children are our future… and that future's the Fourth Reich.
4: The Irish Way is to introduce webcasting to local government to show that councillors are not wasting money. The Evening Herald revealed that Dun Laoghaire council spent €30,000 on 12 broadcasts last year. The council had wasted money to prove… it wasn't wasting money.
5: The Irish Way is to declare we are a post-Catholic, pluralist society – and then introduce a crackpot Blasphemy Law. Surprisingly, it has its fans. A conference in Dublin heard that one country has cited it as an example of "best practice" – Pakistan. Ireland is now a role model for one of the world's maddest countries.
The Irish Way is to be an irrational, reckless, dysfunctional race, who really are too cracked to govern themselves. The sooner we realise this, the better it will be for our mental health. There's only four million of us. We're not as important as we think we are. In Europe's eyes we're a medium-sized city – and a complete basket case.
The Germans think we drink too much. To them, we're the annoying little tosser who turns up drunk at the party, drinks all the host's booze and then picks a fight with him.
To the French, we're ungrateful peasants. They forced us to replay the Lisbon Treaty but wouldn't replay the Paris match. They got away with this because Fifa doesn't like us either. Even the eastern European countries don't like us: they keep booting us out of the Eurovision. Stuck out here in the Atlantic, we're like Europe's mad cousin, locked away in the attic. Ignored and unloved.
We only have each other now. So, instead of feuding, I propose we have a National Day of Inaction, with both sectors working out a plan to get someone sane to rule us.
Here's an idea: how about selling Ireland to the US and becoming the 52nd state? With a little investment we could re-open the country as a huge water theme park.
Think I'm not serious? It's not as batty an idea as that strike last week. As the protestors headed north, Ireland slid out of the IESE Business School's list of top 20 countries to invest in. We've gone from 16th to 21st. Could the striking and general stupidity on display have anything to do with this?
The unions have threatened further action. So here's my plan: on the day of the strike, all us non-protestors will meet up along the border and hide in the bushes. Then, when the last striker has crossed into Newry, we'll leap out and seal the border. Let the Queen keep them. Problem solved The Irish Way.

We really are the (shopping) basket case of Europe.

dkenny@tribune.ie